SuperYenta

New Year’s Online Dating Resolutions

 

It’s a new year, and a great time to take stock in your online dating profile. Your SuperYenta will gladly share the top five most frequent mistakes she sees to help you use 21^st Century tools to find your beshert. Before you read on, please open your mind and your online dating profile and commit to making changes (for the better) for the new year.

 

1. Remove all negative and underhanded references to what went wrong in your last relationship. No matter how sly, if you’ve got a laundry list of the things that didn’t work last time, it will show in your profile….it will read like a vendetta. For example, this should not appear in your profile: “If you’re so backward that you don’t know how to chew with your mouth closed, do not reply to my ad.” This should appear in your profile: “Please be well-mannered and gentlemanly. I love to be impressed by good manners!”
2. Never, ever use this phrase: I am as comfortable in jeans as in a tux. Don’t be swayed into this boring and tired catch phrase just because everyone else uses it! Are you so over dating that you can’t come up with something slightly more creative to indicate you have diverse interests and styles? If you are not, contact your SuperYenta! As a bonus, I’ll throw in another phrase to avoid: I like romantic walks on the beach. Who doesn’t?  Including this in your profile makes you sound repetitive and desperate for the feeling one gets on a romantic walk. Your SuperYenta wants you to come up with something that actually represents how you spend your time. If you like to go antiquing, play Guitar Hero, or people watch at airports, be honest about it.
3. Remember the law of numbers: Resolve to “go shopping” for at least three new people to contact each week, and contact them. Do not poke them, or “flirt” with them. Send each one actual messages pulling a factoid from their profile into your email, such as, “I’m glad you mentioned Scrabble because over the holidays, I played Scrabble with my 96-year old Aunt Edna for three nights straight.” Some schlemiels will never reply (those who do not reply do not deserve to meet you anyway), some will. 
4. Reply to everyone who contacts you. Even if they are three-eyed trolls, even if you are not interested, the most appropriate way to participate in online dating is to reply to everyone who contacts you. Remember that someone contacting you may have just read my “law of numbers” resolution up above. The flipside of this resolution is this: if the wrong person keeps contacting you (for example, if you are 40 and a 27-year old is flirting with you through chat), politely extricate yourself and cut off all contact, no matter how scintillating, and never contact them again. Is a 27-year old ready to marry you? Not likely.

5. Do not lose faith. Online dating is your way to stay flexible and limber in what for some is a quagmire and for some is a ball. Be loud and proud! And if you get discouraged, simply contact your SuperYenta for a pep talk.

 

Now get out there and update your profile!

SuperYenta

 

Online dating profile redo: Ron

Ron is a divorced 59 year old man with a successful career and three grown children. Below is the rough draft of his online dating profile. The SuperYenta version is below. Good luck, Ron! You’ve been Yenta-fied!

About Me 

I am a warm, fun-loving, up-beat person: intelligent, ambitious, successful, very humorous, adventurous, articulate, high energy, compassionate, sensitive, physical, caring and social. I love being active and traveling. I enjoy going out and having a good time but am equally content staying home watching a movie and snuggling on the sofa. I am just as comfortable in a tux or jeans. A lot of my free time is spent outdoors, whether it's hiking, snow skiing or tennis. I have learned that life is too short to devote all of one's time to work and to sacrifice your personal life. I believe in living each day to the fullest and taking time out to appreciate the little things that are often taken for granted. I am an incurable romantic and refuse to take off my rose-colored glasses.

My ideal relationship:   

A great relationship requires commitment, compromise and a healthy dose of respect for each other. Mutual interests and aspirations are also very important, as well as a lot of laughter. When both partners recognize that the work involved to keep it strong is well worth it and when the good times and validation that you compliment each other outweigh the work. Basically, I want my significant other to be my best friend and the person with whom I look most forward to sharing everything.

My past relationships:   

A relationship requires a high degree of compatibility. I have learned that people for the most part do not change, and that it is futile and frustrating if you expect them to. Life is a roller coasted, not a merry-go-round, but the highs help you survive the lows. As long as 2 people are committed to each other, any obstacle can be overcome and you should never have to go to bed angry

I am looking for a:   

I would like to meet someone with whom I can be myself and we share common goals, dreams and values. There needs to be a physical attraction but the essence of the person is more important. I would like to meet a woman who needs to be romanced, cherished, adored, respected, spoiled and ravished...and wants to reciprocate.

My perfect first date:   

First dates are awkward but also exciting. Lets get together for a quiet dinner, talk and see what transpires. If its right, we'll both know it.

Notes: I applaud Ron’s willingness to be very specific about what he’s looking for and also for his sensitivity, openness and honesty. But even though Ron was saying he was a positive person, his profile read like a laundry list of what was wrong with his marriage. SuperYenta says: spin everything positively and a positive non-bitter person will find you!

Ron’s About Me section was thorough but omitted some things only learned in an interview. What’s more romantic than waterfalls? What woman wouldn’t love to stroll through old country lanes for a little antiquing? Women need to know these unique hobbies and passions. Regular readers will know that SuperYenta forbids the “tux and jeans” line. The challenge is to show you can go hi- or low-brow without saying it verbatim.

SuperYenta version:

About Me

Southern gentleman seeks lady love for romance and adventure. I am a warm, fun-loving and up-beat person with a successful career, who also believes life’s too short to work all the time. I try to live each day to the fullest and take time out to appreciate things that others often taken for granted: spending time with family, hiking, games of tennis, antique shopping, and movie nights. I love being active and traveling. I love waterfalls. I can balance being high energy and social with being compassionate and caring. I am an incurable romantic who is not afraid of being a gentleman. Frankly my dear, I *do* give a damn!

My ideal relationship:   

I want a best friend with whom I am excited to share everything. Great relationships require commitment, compromise, and healthy doses of respect and laughter. All relationships require an investment, but the good times, compliments, and love should outweigh the work. Life can sometimes be a roller coaster: I want someone who can roll with both the highs and the lows—and mainly remember the highs. Mutual interests and aspirations are a plus.

Notes: The original was too wordy and too much like a laundry list of what went wrong the last time. I pinched the roller coaster line from the past relationship section and put it in here. The sentiment was nice but in the wrong place. When people write, we often put the most important point at the end. I rearranged the original so that most important thing, that he wants to be excited, is front and center.

My past relationships:   

I have learned that I do not want to change anyone; I want someone for who they genuinely are. I don’t go to bed angry, I work it out until it’s finished. As long as there is a strong commitment, I believe any obstacle can be overcome.

Notes: The original was not positive enough. This section read like Ron slapped it together in a moment of bitterness. I turned up the love in this section and made it shorter. One big lesson per past failure is good enough for most people.

I am looking for a:   

I want to meet someone with whom I can be myself and we share our dreams and values. The essence of the person is her most important aspect. I want to meet a woman who wants to be romanced, cherished, adored, respected, and spoiled and who wants to romance, cherish, respect and spoil in return.

Notes: I made the language here stronger and took out the word reciprocate….too clinical, sexual, and just plain icky.

My perfect first date:   

Let’s go for a stroll outdoors. If we enjoy ourselves and there is chemistry, I know I will want to see you again soon.

Notes: All SuperYenta clients know that dinner as a first date is a sure-fire setup for disaster. Keep it short and during the day and costing no more than $15.

The Road to Love: Stay the Course and Be Prepared

There was an article in the New York Times about all of the Buddhist tourist attractions in San Francisco. It closed with a quote from the great Buddha: All living beings, whether they know it or not, are following this path.

It is important to remember that you are not alone on your quest to find someone to marry. You know how people say “Timing is everything?” The point of that statement is someone out there right now is also on a path to find their beshert. You may find this person at your next intersection. The goal is to make sure you’re focused on your path so that when another wayfarer crosses your path at the right time, you’ll be ready.

And guess what? There are other people on the path too, like SuperYenta, who are here to help you stay the course and quit the one night stands and the little relationships that can never go anywhere. Lean on these people to help you stay focused.

Some of my clients say they come off as desperate on dates because they want love so badly, and this desperate feeling ruins their time on the date. Their paths are rocky, littered with expectations and memories of the past. Remember that your journey needs a path, which has a beginning and an end. The journey itself, in this case, is not your destination. When you relax, follow my rules, and understand that your journey will not last forever, you just may meet someone at the next intersection.

Technorati Tags: buddha,buddhism,san francisco,new year,new york times,timing

What is a leek? How not to have a first date.

Let’s get one thing straight: I love men. They help us make the world go ‘round. As often as I see women making relationship mistakes, I see men doing it too: they are not exempt. One thing I see a lot of men doing is not giving the women they’re with credit for being as intelligent and “dialed in” as they are. Sometimes I want to say, “Well, she agreed to go out with you, so that’s a start, right?”

Take last night for instance. Mr. SuperYenta and I were enjoying a delicious dinner at Range. Sitting next to us was a couple who were obviously on their first date. (Regular readers will remember that this is a horrible choice for a first date…..a Michelin-rated restaurant is where you go on your eighth date, not your first, but I digress.)

After the couple had time to study the menu, the waitress came by to see if there were any questions. The gentleman said, “I have one, what is a leek?” The waitress, dumbfounded that such an uninformed diner had somehow stumbled into this domain of food excellence, struggled with the right way to describe a leek. “Uh, its green…..its long……” she stammered. After a few awkward seconds, the man’s date piped up, “Its like a big green onion.” “Right,” said the waitress, “its a big green onion.”

Now it is okay to not know what something is on the menu, even if you take your date to a foodie’s paradise and you live in Northern California. But fer cryin’ out loud, dude, ask the beautiful woman you thought enough of to bring with you your question. What a terrific conversation opener. You could have said something like, “This menu is so interesting. I hardly know what anything is on here. What are leeks?” This way, you give your date the opportunity to not only show you how smart, worldly, and gourmet she is, but also you show that you don’t have the answers to everything and that sometimes you like to have help, which is attractive, and you may learn something valuable in the process.

And furthermore, make life easy on yourself. Make your first date during the daytime and under fifteen dollars.

As I witnessed this interaction, I saw a tiny little wall go up between the woman and the man. I could just imagine that poor woman reassuring herself throughout the entire meal, “Well, at least I got a nice meal out of this knucklehead. What is a leek indeed!” Not only did he act like an ignoramus, but he also ignored his future partner to get an answer and start an interesting conversation. Mr. Leek gets an F from SuperYenta. It was all I could do not to slide my card over to him across the table. And next time you go to Range, try the leek appetizer! It was wonderful.

Technorati Tags: range restaurant san francisco,michelin star ratings,yenta,leeks,dating,love

The Hannah Method

I was inspired a few years ago by a woman I met named Hannah. She was a successful businesswoman who like a lot of us didn’t invest a lot of time in finding someone to marry. Suddenly she realized how badly she wanted to have babies. A husband, she thought, would be just the solution for getting started on the path to parenthood. Being an intellectual and introspective person, she sat down to figure out the shortest distance from single hood to partner hood. In doing this, she realized that she never applied the same management principles to dating that she had to her career or business life. So she devised the Hannah Method.

The Hannah Method worked like this:

1. Be crystal clear about what you want out of dating and a relationship. There’s no shame in being totally honest and up front with every potential date you meet that you are in the game for the high stakes. If you believe that finding the right person is about timing, then this is the tactic for you.

2. Devise your list of no-budge issues for you, such as having children. When she said list, she meant the most important, deepest, soulful items, such as “Believes in God.” She did not mean, “Wears Armani.”

3. Prepare a list of questions for any potential date that reveal key insights about your list of no-budge issues. For Hannah, having children—and fast—was her top priority. Within the first few minutes of meeting a potential date, she’d ask, “Do you like children?” or “Do you want children?” or “Does anybody in your life have children you see regularly?” The answers to these questions will tell you if the person is on your wavelength about the things that are important to you.

4. Have a team. In business, all successful projects have a great team to back them up. Hannah recommended your team consist of one married woman (the thinking here is that a married girlfriend would not feel a loss if you left the group and is not competing with you for available men) and one single man who you are definitely not interested in. After each interaction with a potential man, review the event with your team. (SuperYenta tried this tactic and it was so much fun. One evening I took my team out to discuss my prospects at a favorite local bar. While we were there, I met a cute guy at the bar and it felt wonderful to have my team backing me up in real time!) Take your team’s advice in stride and devise your next plan of action.

5. Test your theory. Hannah thought it was crucial to check and double check that her hunches were correct. One of her no-budge issues was kindness. So she devised tests to make sure her dates were kind. She would, for example, spill her water on a date to see how the guy reacted. If he thought of her first, mopped her off and went to get help, she thought the guy was a keeper. If he got mad or annoyed or did anything ungentlemanly, she moved on.

6. View your prospects in the light of day. It was Hannah who lit the fire for me to start having daytime dates only. Right after I met Hannah, I met a sweet guy who asked me out to a fancy restaurant on our first date. In the haze of candlelight and wine, plus the noise of the restaurant, I found I had nothing to talk to this guy about. Six months later I saw his wedding announcement in the New York Times. The article painted him as a very interesting guy. Had I taken Hannah’s advice and met him for a walk or for coffee during a weekend day, I might have had a chance to get to know him better.

7. Do not move forward physically until you know you really like the person. Like is different from lust. Hannah advocated a no-kissing approach until all of the above issues were settled.

The Hannah Method has a lot of steps and requires some deep thinking and a big dose of patience. If you were as thoughtful about your social life as you are about your career, you’d be married by now! Try it!

One Hell of a Life

When I was in my mid-20s, I had a friend named Ellen. As twenty-something gals will do, we talked about dating all the time. Ellen said two things I’ll never forget. One, after a particularly harsh break up of mine, was, “There’s nothing wrong with you that a bottle of cheap nail polish won’t fix,” and she was right. I still wear the shade of automotive red she handed me as a breakup consolation present. The second was, “I’m tired of being down about being single. The famous women in history were out there….being famous! I’m going to start having one hell of a life,” and she did. She quit her job to go traveling with an old friend from high school. After traveling all over the world and getting into all kinds of hi-jinx, she married that friend.

My current favorite single (straight) woman just finished the AIDS ride. The AIDS ride! 500 miles of grueling biking from San Francisco to Los Angeles with thousands of gay men. This woman has already run marathons, done Team In Training, completed triathlons, swam to Alcatraz and back and more. The AIDS ride represented a way to raise money for a great cause and put herself up to a new physical challenge. Even though there was little chance she’d meet Mr. Perfect on this trip, she was looking for a huge and rewarding adventure. Another woman with a hell of a life! 

My point is, it’s never too late to start having one hell of a life. I was reminded of this important lesson while reading Sunday’s Vows column. Here’s what struck me about the bride: “She began behaving as if she was already in love. “You carry yourself differently when you’re not alone,” she explained. “I would carry myself at a party or a supermarket or a gym as if I was loved.”” This woman decided that husband or no husband, she was going to have one hell of a life. I love this attitude. Should I tell you the end of this story? It ain’t like the ending of the Titanic. You guessed it: bride and groom sail away into the sunset, married.

So, have yourself a hell of a life! Take a trip, volunteer, step up and do something for someone else that takes you way out of your comfort zone. You may discover exactly what you’re looking for when you carry yourself with love and purpose.

Why am I still single?

If you’re reading this wondering, “Why am I still single?” follow these tips before going on your next date:

1. Ask yourself what you really want. If you want to date to have fun with no current interest in settling down, be honest with yourself and your date about this. If you are dating to find the right person to get married to and soon, do not be afraid to be honest about this to yourself and your date. (As a personal note, I only fix up people who are serious about finding someone to marry). Remember: everyone deserves to get what they want. Everyone, including you, deserves to be happy and to share love.
2. Have a rough idea of what your past mistakes are. Do you always date people who are truly unavailable? Try to find patterns in past mistakes and break them. Following Tip #1 might help you break this cycle.
3. Take a look in the mirror. One of the couples whom I fixed up were each required to read the chapter on “packaging” from Rachel Greenwald’s Find a Husband After 35: Using what I learned at Harvard Business School so they would take how they looked seriously when they met each other. She went to a personal shopper, he asked a friend to help and voila, they are married.
4. Another tip from Rachel Greenwald: if you are looking for someone to marry, tell everyone you know. Ask everyone, even the person who cuts your hair, to think of you when they meet someone special. This can lead to some very entertaining offbeat dates as well as meeting a special someone.

Best of luck to you! I hope you find your beshert.

I don't like to brag but........

I don’t like to brag, but I will: I have fixed up three couples who have gotten married. Playing yenta is one of my favorite hobbies and I take it seriously. My own parents met this way and I met my husband this way. Fix-ups can be the most natural and stress-free way to date and the results bring nachas to all involved.

Going on a blind date has a lot to do with presentation. The bottom-most line is that you want to present yourself as you really are so the other person will know exactly what they’re getting into. Being yourself does not mean showing up in sweatpants but rather showing up as your true self with an honest goal for your future in your mind and heart.

People ask me to fix them up all the time and after a brief personal assessment, I decide whether or not they’re ready for my mental database of eligible women or men and my strict (or as my husband would say: dictatorial) rules for going on a blind date…..or any date for that matter. So before you ask me to introduce you to someone special, take a look at my rules and tell me if you can follow them:

1. Manage expectations: Stakes rise when you try to start a relationship over a candle-lit dinner at a top rated restaurant. Keep your first date very low key and promise yourself you will not do any activity that costs more than $15 total, not for each person but total. That can mean meeting for coffee, walking the dog, or just meeting at the beach or city park. DO NOT extend your time together beyond whatever time you allotted for this date. If the person is worth seeing again, set up another daytime date—two more, in fact, before you see them at night. By the same token, if you speak on the phone first, do not prolong the conversation. Start with “My yenta gave me your number and says we have to meet,” and set up a time and place to meet right away. Prolonged phone relations can only create unrealistic expectations for both parties.

1. Be a mensch. If you say you’re going to call, call. If you don’t intend to call, don’t say you will. Better yet, if you are not interested and you know it after the first meeting, politely say, “I enjoyed myself but I don’t think we have a future. Can I reserve the right to fix you up with anyone I know who I think might be a better fit?” If you are interested and you know it after the first meeting, politely say, “I had a good time today. When can we go out again?”

1. Be honest with your yenta. A yenta wants to help you! Follow up with your yenta to tell him or her exactly what you thought about the person, good or bad. This way, your yenta can pat himself or herself on the back and offer encouragement, or know how to do better for next time.

Please note that if you stray from my rules, I cannot be accountable if your first date is a flop.