The Hannah Method

I was inspired a few years ago by a woman I met named Hannah. She was a successful businesswoman who like a lot of us didn’t invest a lot of time in finding someone to marry. Suddenly she realized how badly she wanted to have babies. A husband, she thought, would be just the solution for getting started on the path to parenthood. Being an intellectual and introspective person, she sat down to figure out the shortest distance from single hood to partner hood. In doing this, she realized that she never applied the same management principles to dating that she had to her career or business life. So she devised the Hannah Method.

The Hannah Method worked like this:

1. Be crystal clear about what you want out of dating and a relationship. There’s no shame in being totally honest and up front with every potential date you meet that you are in the game for the high stakes. If you believe that finding the right person is about timing, then this is the tactic for you.

2. Devise your list of no-budge issues for you, such as having children. When she said list, she meant the most important, deepest, soulful items, such as “Believes in God.” She did not mean, “Wears Armani.”

3. Prepare a list of questions for any potential date that reveal key insights about your list of no-budge issues. For Hannah, having children—and fast—was her top priority. Within the first few minutes of meeting a potential date, she’d ask, “Do you like children?” or “Do you want children?” or “Does anybody in your life have children you see regularly?” The answers to these questions will tell you if the person is on your wavelength about the things that are important to you.

4. Have a team. In business, all successful projects have a great team to back them up. Hannah recommended your team consist of one married woman (the thinking here is that a married girlfriend would not feel a loss if you left the group and is not competing with you for available men) and one single man who you are definitely not interested in. After each interaction with a potential man, review the event with your team. (SuperYenta tried this tactic and it was so much fun. One evening I took my team out to discuss my prospects at a favorite local bar. While we were there, I met a cute guy at the bar and it felt wonderful to have my team backing me up in real time!) Take your team’s advice in stride and devise your next plan of action.

5. Test your theory. Hannah thought it was crucial to check and double check that her hunches were correct. One of her no-budge issues was kindness. So she devised tests to make sure her dates were kind. She would, for example, spill her water on a date to see how the guy reacted. If he thought of her first, mopped her off and went to get help, she thought the guy was a keeper. If he got mad or annoyed or did anything ungentlemanly, she moved on.

6. View your prospects in the light of day. It was Hannah who lit the fire for me to start having daytime dates only. Right after I met Hannah, I met a sweet guy who asked me out to a fancy restaurant on our first date. In the haze of candlelight and wine, plus the noise of the restaurant, I found I had nothing to talk to this guy about. Six months later I saw his wedding announcement in the New York Times. The article painted him as a very interesting guy. Had I taken Hannah’s advice and met him for a walk or for coffee during a weekend day, I might have had a chance to get to know him better.

7. Do not move forward physically until you know you really like the person. Like is different from lust. Hannah advocated a no-kissing approach until all of the above issues were settled.

The Hannah Method has a lot of steps and requires some deep thinking and a big dose of patience. If you were as thoughtful about your social life as you are about your career, you’d be married by now! Try it!

Comments

[Evan]

Interesting post, SY. I suggest the following addendum: the 50-hour rule. Simply put, your pants stay on until you have spent 50 hrs with the candidate. Phone time counts, email time does not. 50 hours sounds like a fair chunk of time, until you consider the stakes. And given those stakes, keeping the lower half of your body covered seems like, well, prudent investing. I might add that while the lower half is covered, with a little ingenuity there is a quite a bit of activity that can take place. You're also establishing a nice foundation for a little foreplay, which in my experience has served my dates quite well.

Another thought--I'm not sure I'd cotton to having my kindness tested with a deliberately spilled glass of water. I respect the intent, but the manipulation is a turn off. More alluring? A woman willing to relay a story about herself that would evoke kindness from a kind person, perhaps something self-effacing. Dating is about tiny revelations--what does deliberately spilling water reveal?

[Andrew]

Great blog, SY!

I think the water spilling thing is kind of cute... If one were to try it with red wine or coffee, though, one might want to offer to pick up the cleaning bill...