SuperYenta

The List

When I was 33 or so, I realized I wanted to be married. So I enlisted professional help: I decided to read all the top-selling dating books from The Rules to If Buddha Dated. I figured the authors sold tons of books so something they’re saying must be reasonable, right? Right. I admit that reading some of the old fashioned, insulting advice was often sickening. But every book, even The Rules*, had at least one pearl I could take along with me as I developed my strategy for Project Husband.

Exactly half of the dating books I read say you have to make a list of exactly what you want and don’t budge from it. The other half said to have an idea of what you’re looking for but be open to possibilities. I took the advice from both sides and made my list. I narrowed it down to seven items I couldn’t live without: a smart, social, successful, sophisticated, soulful man who was into being Jewish and into the idea of family. I made sure words like “successful” could be intentionally vague—I didn’t attach a dollar value or a specific profession. I used my hour-long commute each day to check and recheck myself to make sure this really was my hard stop list.

I also rehearsed my list on those commutes so I could rattle it off whenever I told anyone I met what I wanted when I asked them to fix me up. I created an “elevator pitch” for my perfect man. My only caution of this practice is, be very careful what you wish for because my husband is all of those things, down to the soulful part.

At any rate, making your list is a good exercise in visualization. By creating the seven-attribute composite of my man, I was able to piece together where I might find him and what he might be like. Fortunately, my brother found him for me and fixed us up and the rest, as they say, is my history.

*The pearl I gleaned from The Rules’ is: everyone wants to be pursued. Cracked as most of this book is, that rule segues nicely into He’s Just Not That Into You, which basically says, if he ain’t pursuing you then he ain’t interested.

Way to go, Rabbis

My fix-up clients know that I say, “Tell everyone you see and meet that you want to be fixed up.” This is a tip I learned from Rachel Greenwald’s book. Well if you’re going to tell your hairdresser, your neighbor, the author Michael Chabon at a book signing, a call-in radio talk show (I did this not once but twice) and your yoga partner to fix you up, by all means, tell your rabbi!

A recent article in J., San Francisco’s Jewish Newspaper, talks about a growing number of rabbis who purchase jdate subscriptions for their congregants. And that some foundations are now endowing “jdate funds” to make this happen. With cyber couples getting married left and right, what a great way for a rabbi to keep busy. Way to go, rabbis, keep up the great work, and please refer your jdaters to the SuperYenta.

Attitude of gratitude

I feel like I have it all: a loving husband, a beautiful baby, and a warm and inspiring community of friends and family. It wasn’t always this way. I was a bitter and unlovable dishrag. How did I get happy? I adopted an attitude of gratitude.

Being grateful is so easy! What are you thankful for? Even if it’s trite---a delicious rose sangria cocktail I drank last night at The Front Porch, for example, is something I am thankful for. In one sip, I was transported to a beach in Nerja, Spain---find something in your mind right now to give thanks for. Your attitude is so obvious to everyone you meet, everyone who sees you, and everyone who you want to see you.

Gratitude begets gratitude. Once you start giving thanks, it snowballs into a glow that is practically visible. Start by being thankful silently during the day. Then start saying your thanks out loud. Then start saying your thanks to whomever deserves it. Then shower gratitude to everyone you meet. Finally, make giving thanks a part of your daily ritual.

How about this: every night before you go to sleep, tell yourself how special you are. Treat yourself like a good friend! Run through a short litany of everything you like about yourself. Focus on the big and small. It may sound corny but I promise you will feel great afterward, after getting over your initial shock at how much you actually like yourself.

Here’s my personal practice of gratitude which I perform every night as I’m putting our baby to bed. It makes me feel wonderful and releases any rough patches I may have had during my day. It also focuses me on the big picture as opposed to all of the small nuisances. I tell him the following:

We prayed for you. We begged God for you. You are our reward for every mitzvah we ever performed. We love everything about you. We are so proud of you and of everything you do. We are so proud that you sat up on your own today. We cannot imagine life without you. We just want you to be happy in your life and we will help you with whatever you need.

 

Thank you for reading this blog. I am grateful that you are interested!

The Hannah Method

I was inspired a few years ago by a woman I met named Hannah. She was a successful businesswoman who like a lot of us didn’t invest a lot of time in finding someone to marry. Suddenly she realized how badly she wanted to have babies. A husband, she thought, would be just the solution for getting started on the path to parenthood. Being an intellectual and introspective person, she sat down to figure out the shortest distance from single hood to partner hood. In doing this, she realized that she never applied the same management principles to dating that she had to her career or business life. So she devised the Hannah Method.

The Hannah Method worked like this:

1. Be crystal clear about what you want out of dating and a relationship. There’s no shame in being totally honest and up front with every potential date you meet that you are in the game for the high stakes. If you believe that finding the right person is about timing, then this is the tactic for you.

2. Devise your list of no-budge issues for you, such as having children. When she said list, she meant the most important, deepest, soulful items, such as “Believes in God.” She did not mean, “Wears Armani.”

3. Prepare a list of questions for any potential date that reveal key insights about your list of no-budge issues. For Hannah, having children—and fast—was her top priority. Within the first few minutes of meeting a potential date, she’d ask, “Do you like children?” or “Do you want children?” or “Does anybody in your life have children you see regularly?” The answers to these questions will tell you if the person is on your wavelength about the things that are important to you.

4. Have a team. In business, all successful projects have a great team to back them up. Hannah recommended your team consist of one married woman (the thinking here is that a married girlfriend would not feel a loss if you left the group and is not competing with you for available men) and one single man who you are definitely not interested in. After each interaction with a potential man, review the event with your team. (SuperYenta tried this tactic and it was so much fun. One evening I took my team out to discuss my prospects at a favorite local bar. While we were there, I met a cute guy at the bar and it felt wonderful to have my team backing me up in real time!) Take your team’s advice in stride and devise your next plan of action.

5. Test your theory. Hannah thought it was crucial to check and double check that her hunches were correct. One of her no-budge issues was kindness. So she devised tests to make sure her dates were kind. She would, for example, spill her water on a date to see how the guy reacted. If he thought of her first, mopped her off and went to get help, she thought the guy was a keeper. If he got mad or annoyed or did anything ungentlemanly, she moved on.

6. View your prospects in the light of day. It was Hannah who lit the fire for me to start having daytime dates only. Right after I met Hannah, I met a sweet guy who asked me out to a fancy restaurant on our first date. In the haze of candlelight and wine, plus the noise of the restaurant, I found I had nothing to talk to this guy about. Six months later I saw his wedding announcement in the New York Times. The article painted him as a very interesting guy. Had I taken Hannah’s advice and met him for a walk or for coffee during a weekend day, I might have had a chance to get to know him better.

7. Do not move forward physically until you know you really like the person. Like is different from lust. Hannah advocated a no-kissing approach until all of the above issues were settled.

The Hannah Method has a lot of steps and requires some deep thinking and a big dose of patience. If you were as thoughtful about your social life as you are about your career, you’d be married by now! Try it!

One Hell of a Life

When I was in my mid-20s, I had a friend named Ellen. As twenty-something gals will do, we talked about dating all the time. Ellen said two things I’ll never forget. One, after a particularly harsh break up of mine, was, “There’s nothing wrong with you that a bottle of cheap nail polish won’t fix,” and she was right. I still wear the shade of automotive red she handed me as a breakup consolation present. The second was, “I’m tired of being down about being single. The famous women in history were out there….being famous! I’m going to start having one hell of a life,” and she did. She quit her job to go traveling with an old friend from high school. After traveling all over the world and getting into all kinds of hi-jinx, she married that friend.

My current favorite single (straight) woman just finished the AIDS ride. The AIDS ride! 500 miles of grueling biking from San Francisco to Los Angeles with thousands of gay men. This woman has already run marathons, done Team In Training, completed triathlons, swam to Alcatraz and back and more. The AIDS ride represented a way to raise money for a great cause and put herself up to a new physical challenge. Even though there was little chance she’d meet Mr. Perfect on this trip, she was looking for a huge and rewarding adventure. Another woman with a hell of a life! 

My point is, it’s never too late to start having one hell of a life. I was reminded of this important lesson while reading Sunday’s Vows column. Here’s what struck me about the bride: “She began behaving as if she was already in love. “You carry yourself differently when you’re not alone,” she explained. “I would carry myself at a party or a supermarket or a gym as if I was loved.”” This woman decided that husband or no husband, she was going to have one hell of a life. I love this attitude. Should I tell you the end of this story? It ain’t like the ending of the Titanic. You guessed it: bride and groom sail away into the sunset, married.

So, have yourself a hell of a life! Take a trip, volunteer, step up and do something for someone else that takes you way out of your comfort zone. You may discover exactly what you’re looking for when you carry yourself with love and purpose.

Why am I still single?

If you’re reading this wondering, “Why am I still single?” follow these tips before going on your next date:

1. Ask yourself what you really want. If you want to date to have fun with no current interest in settling down, be honest with yourself and your date about this. If you are dating to find the right person to get married to and soon, do not be afraid to be honest about this to yourself and your date. (As a personal note, I only fix up people who are serious about finding someone to marry). Remember: everyone deserves to get what they want. Everyone, including you, deserves to be happy and to share love.
2. Have a rough idea of what your past mistakes are. Do you always date people who are truly unavailable? Try to find patterns in past mistakes and break them. Following Tip #1 might help you break this cycle.
3. Take a look in the mirror. One of the couples whom I fixed up were each required to read the chapter on “packaging” from Rachel Greenwald’s Find a Husband After 35: Using what I learned at Harvard Business School so they would take how they looked seriously when they met each other. She went to a personal shopper, he asked a friend to help and voila, they are married.
4. Another tip from Rachel Greenwald: if you are looking for someone to marry, tell everyone you know. Ask everyone, even the person who cuts your hair, to think of you when they meet someone special. This can lead to some very entertaining offbeat dates as well as meeting a special someone.

Best of luck to you! I hope you find your beshert.

I don't like to brag but........

I don’t like to brag, but I will: I have fixed up three couples who have gotten married. Playing yenta is one of my favorite hobbies and I take it seriously. My own parents met this way and I met my husband this way. Fix-ups can be the most natural and stress-free way to date and the results bring nachas to all involved.

Going on a blind date has a lot to do with presentation. The bottom-most line is that you want to present yourself as you really are so the other person will know exactly what they’re getting into. Being yourself does not mean showing up in sweatpants but rather showing up as your true self with an honest goal for your future in your mind and heart.

People ask me to fix them up all the time and after a brief personal assessment, I decide whether or not they’re ready for my mental database of eligible women or men and my strict (or as my husband would say: dictatorial) rules for going on a blind date…..or any date for that matter. So before you ask me to introduce you to someone special, take a look at my rules and tell me if you can follow them:

1. Manage expectations: Stakes rise when you try to start a relationship over a candle-lit dinner at a top rated restaurant. Keep your first date very low key and promise yourself you will not do any activity that costs more than $15 total, not for each person but total. That can mean meeting for coffee, walking the dog, or just meeting at the beach or city park. DO NOT extend your time together beyond whatever time you allotted for this date. If the person is worth seeing again, set up another daytime date—two more, in fact, before you see them at night. By the same token, if you speak on the phone first, do not prolong the conversation. Start with “My yenta gave me your number and says we have to meet,” and set up a time and place to meet right away. Prolonged phone relations can only create unrealistic expectations for both parties.

1. Be a mensch. If you say you’re going to call, call. If you don’t intend to call, don’t say you will. Better yet, if you are not interested and you know it after the first meeting, politely say, “I enjoyed myself but I don’t think we have a future. Can I reserve the right to fix you up with anyone I know who I think might be a better fit?” If you are interested and you know it after the first meeting, politely say, “I had a good time today. When can we go out again?”

1. Be honest with your yenta. A yenta wants to help you! Follow up with your yenta to tell him or her exactly what you thought about the person, good or bad. This way, your yenta can pat himself or herself on the back and offer encouragement, or know how to do better for next time.

Please note that if you stray from my rules, I cannot be accountable if your first date is a flop.