Regular readers know that your SuperYenta is a devotee of The New York Times Vows column. And the thing is, those of us in the love everlasting business all appreciate each others' work. So on November 9, I was delighted to see the groom-of-the-day, Tim Hayes, refer to his "list." You see? If the Times can tout the list, you know its gotta be worthwhile.
Vows
Elise Gutfeld and Tim Hayes
Published: November 7, 2008
THE first time Elise Gutfeld rode on a horse, at age 3, she found bliss. During family vacations in the Catskills, she insisted on taking trail rides. By the third grade she was hooked on “Black Stallion” books.
At 13, she told her parents that if she had to go to sleep-away camp, it needed to involve horseback riding.
“I wanted to be with them, ride them, draw them, live them,” she said, dreaming of becoming a jockey, until at 5-foot-7, she realized she was too tall.
As a teenager, her priorities changed. She was a prom queen at Dwight Morrow High School in Englewood, N.J., lettered in tennis and softball, and headed to Columbia University. She now telecommutes as a vice president and the senior technology manager for Bank of America.
Five years ago, when her older daughter, Ma’ayan Stein, asked for riding lessons, Ms. Gutfeld started riding again. When her instructor died, she dropped the lessons. Then, divorced for four years, she concentrated instead on finding someone special.
Last year, Ms. Gutfeld, 45, of Fort Lee, N.J., had been Internet dating for a few months when she received a message from Tim Hayes.
His screen name was Happy Trails. Fourteen years earlier, in the wake of a divorce, he had given up a slick go-getter Manhattan-based career producing and writing television commercials and relocated to East Hampton, N.Y., to work as a horse whisperer, teaching natural horsemanship, a tender method of training and riding horses.
After a few e-mail exchanges, Mr. Hayes, 63, asked for her phone number. She demurred, having had a few bad experiences with online dating, but asked for his. When she called two days later, she got his voicemail.
“I am either on the phone on in the barn,” the message said. Ms. Gutfeld said she remembered thinking, “This is it: this is my cowboy.”
His callback lasted two hours. She offered to drive to the Hamptons to meet him and his 19-year-old horse, Austin.
Mr. Hayes’s son, Dr. Rick Hayes, 45, a cardiologist at New York University Hospital, said, “there weren’t any red flags” for his father to say no to this Internet date.
But shortly before their first date, Mr. Hayes was kicked in the mouth while giving a riding lesson. A front tooth was knocked out, and there was no time for a dentist to make a temporary.
Still, he escorted Ms. Gutfeld to a friend’s barbecue, an art gallery in Southampton and for ice cream. He knew she was “a keeper,” he said, when she kissed him — between licks of cookies and cream — “even though I was missing my front tooth.”
The next weekend, watching him sweet talk Austin and ride without a saddle, Ms. Gutfeld was “overflowing with feeling” at how gentle he was with the horse.
He invited Ms. Gutfeld’s daughters, Anna Stein, 10, and Ma’ayan, 14, for a trail ride at Deep Hollow Ranch in Montauk. “I could see what a good father he would make,” Ms. Gutfeld said, realizing “that his way with horses translated perfectly to his way with people and relationships.”
They learned that besides the horses, they also shared a love of family, children and movies. One of the problems Mr. Hayes had encountered with prospective partners, he said, was that “there were things I wanted to change about them.”
With Ms. Gutfeld, he said, he “didn’t want to fix or change anything.”
Even though she calls herself a perfectionist, she said, “I could let my hair down and make mistakes and he would love me anyway.”
She personified every adjective on “the list,” which, he said, included being trustworthy, predictable, cheerful, appreciative, emotionally nurturing, sexy and romantic.
“It was the most comfortable, easiest and intimate relationship I had ever had,” he added.
Carl Bernstein, the investigative journalist, described Mr. Hayes, his longtime friend, as someone who “follows his instincts.”
So last April, when Ms. Gutfeld arrived in East Hampton for the weekend, Mr. Hayes told her that earlier that day he had seen seals on the beach. Despite her grumblings about having work, he insisted on going to the beach. There were no seals; it was a pretense. He dropped to a knee on the sand, pulled a ring from his pocket and proposed.
They were hitched Oct. 4 before 50 family members and friends. The Rev. Christopher Stamp, a minister of the Sanctuary of the Beloved, officiated at the SoHo loft of Nicholas Grabar and Jennifer Sage, a cousin of Mr. Hayes.
During a reception that included cheeseburger sliders and mini red velvet cupcakes, Mr. Hayes swooped Ms. Gutfeld into his arms and asked her to dance.
Having found his own bliss, he turned to the crowd and said, “It’s about falling in love with someone who makes you feel like home.” And then they swayed on the dance floor.
A version of this article appeared in print on November 9, 2008, on page ST15 of the New York edition.
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